The Dance of Life

Today’s yet another, gloomy day.  It’s been raining all day and dark and only now, at 6pm, that’s starting to brighten the day.  At least it’s ending the day nice and dry.

Well last night, I went to see Sharon at her house and joined her hula dance class.  Actually, we’ve been talking about it since the first time I met her at Mary Ann’s welcoming party.  Only last night that I got myself to go.  She said it will help with my loneliness and I knew it would… so I joined her then.  I remember, back in Philippines and most especially in Cambodia, we were almost naked when we did the hula and tahitian because well, first of all, weather was too hot and the dance really make you sweat.  Anyway, it was kinda funny that we had to wear our sweaters and socks during the practice, here.  But t’was really cold, really really cold, I didn’t even perspire, although at the end we had to take off our sweaters.  My god, I felt aweful while dancing, I couldn’t remember anything.  Sharon said it’s ok if I did differently but I had to follow them because, honestly, I had a hard time remembering.  Now see Carol, I’m not of that a natural dancer as you think….hahahha.  What encouraged me to practice more though, was when Sharon said I’m very graceful and that she, officially, said that I’m better than her… hahahha, that was the best compliment ever!  I told her… it’s sooo not true, but she said I have a great posture and I dance so much like Ms. Belle, and that she likes the way I present.  The other girls agreed, I felt so special :)  Ms. Belle was both our teacher, in different times, and I must admit she was a great dance teacher.  She has that strict teaching personality but pleasant and it always helped made her dancers the best dancers.  I’m so grateful that I was given the chance to be one of her students.  Anyhow, last night’s dance practice was really fun, I enjoyed it tremendously and I can’t wait now to practice again.  It feels good to feel that way again, I almost forgot how good it feels to be doing one of your passions. 

She made me a copy of some of her music so I can practice at home too and wanted me to practice one dance that she’s been wanting to learn.  She wants me to practice and remember it so I can teach it to her, she said she wants to teach that song to her students, after she practiced it with me.  It’s also one of Ms. Belle’s best choreography that I personally liked so hopefully I can get myself to concentrate and remember the moves. 

My body’s aching, it always happens when I start dancing again after a long time of no practice.  But I know just the right medicine for it, have to continue and keep dancing and all the ache will go away quickly.

This morning, I woken up with freezing fingers and really cold feet.  I checked the weather forecast and it’s 14 C.  It still foggy outside and I can see squirrels running around the ground and the garden.  It remind me of Baguio City, this is something like the winter weather there.  Although it’s just the fall season here at the moment, I know it’s going to get colder as the winter season approaches.  I love to watch the leaves turn red and brown and orange.  It gives me the urge to grab my old camera and take great pictures, unfortunately, I left it with my sister in Cambodia.  Now I regret leaving it.  I kind of miss taking photographs of things.  I’d like to start doing it again if only I could get myself to do it.  For some reason, I got no interest of doing anything, which I must admit, is so unlike me.  I used to have all that energy to do things, different things, interesting things that I enjoy doing.  Whatever happened to that passion?  Lately, I have been asking, myself, that same question and everytime I just end up with no answer.  I’m starting to pity myself again.  I feel so useless, so idle, what a disgusting time for me.

Nevertheless, I, do, do things around the house.  And keeping my daughter company.  She’s growing too quickly.  She thinks and acts like an adult now and starting to prefer to do things her own way.  I just feel bad that she’s got no playmates her age, like she did back in Cambodia.  She had a real great time there.  And no matter how boring life there for me, I must admit, I, somehow, enjoyed it too.  Things were much easier then.  But now we’re in Canada, and starting all over again, so I guess I have to accept that, and to have more patience.  It’s just hard to keep going when you feel alone.  I sort of getting the feeling that I’m the dead version of Nora.

Life is not all about happiness
Life is not all about laughter
Life is not all about smiles
If you refuse to believe it
You must be dreaming

Have you ever felt like no one cared for you?
Feeling of solitude, feel so alone?
Do you have a group of friends,
who you spend time with?
Yet felt like you have no one then, too?

Have you ever felt hurt, a broken-heartedness,
That refuses to heal?
Or tried to work on something with your words
And it turned out like a lousy meal?      
Have you ever felt like nobody cared?

Have you ever felt the need of good advice?
But too afraid to hear them?
Or too afraid to tell someone
They will never comprehend?
Or felt they will blame you?

Have you ever asked yourself about your future,
And thought you couldn’t care less?
But the child you care and love
Is all you thought of?
Such innocent mind, need not to suffer
The faults of her parents

Have you ever tried to gather the pieces
But they only made a tremendous mess?
Have you ever tried to help  yourself
But only to end up in the corner with tears?

Have you ever felt so hurt,
Now you couldn’t even cry?                                             
Have you ever felt so used,
Now it hurts to survive.
Have you ever thought of keep on living
Knowing it’s so wrong?
Have you ever thought of starting anew,
And let hurt makes you strong?
How could you ever let yourself so damn depressed?
Have you ever wished to stop living?

Well that’s life, my friend
It’s full of challenges
It’s full of persecutions
It’s full of problems
But these are the spice of life
It’s the essence of life

So you decide, my friend
It’s not the end of everything
Let yourself start afresh
Leave the pain behind

Forgive and forget
And this time, my friend….
Live your life to the fullest
Think wisely, decide intelligently
And YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Helena, my oh my Helena
A very pretty face as smooth as the sky
Your dark brown eyes that make me feel I cry
What else could a mother ask for?

A child so sweet, miraculous as you be
You make the sun shine so bright
You make the chilly air so warm
The love of my life, the light of my life

The sound you made when you were born
The very first innocent cry that made me happiest
I will never forget, it will always bloom
The happiest mother, a woman could ever be

The smile you bring, the sound of your laughter
Your smart tricks to win me over
I shall love you, how good or naughty you can be
And this love, my Helena, will be with you forever

My love is watching you as you grow
My love is with you wherever you go
Like an angel, my love will always be your shadow
I am here, sweetheart, watching you as you grow!

When a baby is born, it’s a new life
A new hope, a new strength
Nothing compares to what a mother feels
After all the pain she has to endure
From delivering a child and the happiness it brings.

A child who gives magic to a man and a woman
It brings them together, it makes them hold tight
A couple embraces a new life, makes their days shine bright
Who can make such magic, but only a child.

Oh such love a couple reciprocates
The love they planted and cared blessed them with a fruit
The fruit of love, the fruit of strength
It made them a family, a home to care

Welcome to the world, my baby so sweet
It might not be the safest, it might not be the best
But we will let you grow with our love and care
You will be loved, respected, successful and aware

When a baby is born, yes, when a new life is born.

Things aren’t always as they appear. 
One minute, I’m totally fine. 
The next, I’m hunched and clutching my stomach in sheer agony.
I have no idea.
All I know is what I feel, hell no! sometimes I don’t even understand what I feel.
I can’t believe it most of the time.
It’s as if I’m lost in the wilderness but loving it at the same time?

But back here, for a second, my throat opens and I gasp for air
I begin to heave and the muscles in my chest stretch and twist
One by one, they tear as if razor blades are slashing through them.
I asked myself, where the fuck I am?
What the hell is happening to me?

I look around and I see paths
One leads to maybe happiness
A path that leads to, perhaps, troubles
Or remain standing to where my feet are deeply buried
Where both are present, it’s what most people call reality.

The world we live in is insane
Or perhaps it’s not
We just let ourselves believe like it is
Maybe because we make it that way
I never define what life really means
But I’ve always believed that we, ourselves, is the life itself.
Hell maybe I burried my own damn feet, who the hell knows, right

I tried to scream but the more I believe I am able to scream
The more I don’t hear myself, like worse than a whisper
Am I actually screaming? Whispering? What the hell is going on?
I feel thirsty, I need water but there doesn’t seem to be any
I tried to move my legs but my feet are securely stuck
I need to get out of here, I can no longer bear it.

I felt something touched my shoulder, is it a hand?
I turned my head to look
I woken up with my daughter’s hand on my shoulder
She’s asking for her “coocoo”.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

So you are a successful career woman?
You work outside your home
Away from your children and husband
Away from your luxurious house

And here I am
Full time mother and full time wife
I work at home, I have no boss
I report to no one but me
I got no source of income
My work consists of many things at the same time.

As a mother and a wife
I tend to my daughter’s needs
I tend to my husband’s needs

Did it ever occur to you that you can finish many things at the same time?
Leaving out the details, I cook, do the dishes not with the dishwasher
I’ve always prefer to use my hands, they work best, they know best
I do the laundry, I clean, and I still manage to entertain my daughter
All these things I can do at the same time.

But of course, when I’m all done with that, doesn’t mean work’s over for the day
Have to stock clean clothes, iron if it’s needed, continue with the cleaning
You have to understand that cleaning your home is an endless job
Quality time with my daughter while husband’s out working
Make her busy to give yourself time to relax and a few minutes quiet time

And before you know it, husband’s back from work
I have to cater to his needs: meal and special time together
Massages included but only when it’s needed
Father and daughter need time too
So I go on with my relaxation, reading, watching or internet
Whatever drives my mood.

My work is the hardest of all
If you look deeper, you actually satisfy yourself and your family
You make everyone happy

You have or make time for everything
No rush, not a lot of same faces to see everyday
No boring 4-walled office to sit every single day
No traffic, no annoying people bothering you
What else could a woman ask for?
You have it all in front of you.
Not so luxurious house
But a home of simplicity, satisfaction and happiness
Yes, what else could a woman ask for?

Packing and unpacking is soooo over at last!  We are now in our new apartment, we have done some redecorating and rearranging and now it looks really nice.   So far we are happy with everything going on.  We were all beat after the move but it we also had a long weekend to relax so it was great.  It’s a good thing labor day fell on a Monday. 

We are pretty much settled here now, still getting to know the place and the neighborhood but feeling good.  I’m not totally done decorating the suite but slowly, things will move along, no rush.

Right now we are working on my permanent residency application and hopefully we’ll get all the information we need very soon so we can submit it already.

In the meantime, I will be inquiring about Early Childhood short course to prepare myself for employment.  And have teaching sessions with Helena at the same time.

Well, phew! I hope we won’t be moving for a while now.  It’s really a pain to be moving places I tell ya!